Feeling and feeling nothing.

Last week Wednesday bụ my birthday. It was also the day this post kwesịrị ị drop but I have been feeling mute. Not mute in a sad or bad way, just mute mute. I have used the days following my birthday to chee a lot about how life has been, and somewhere between recognising my struggles and the gift of people ụwa a, na ndụ a nyegoro mụ, I am just numb.

It is weird that the one feeling m nwe the most bụ feeling nothing. Just numb. Adim numb in the come-sit-with-me-in-silence way. Adim numb in the words-are-enough-to-capture-the-depth-of-my-feelings way. Adim numb in a way that would say a lot with eyes, touches, silences and short breaths but not with words themselves.

This does not mean that na mụ di unhappy. No. It's just a state of mmiri dọọrọ a dọrọ. Calm, serene, still.

A lot about my life has been humbling and adim very grateful for each of these things. For personal failures mere ka mụ bụrụ a more forgiving person. For personal struggles mere ka mụ bụrụ a more understanding person. And for connections to humans that have hacked love mere ka mụ bụrụ a more loving person. I have thought about most of these and I am dwarfed at the thought of being lucky to have all of them.

I will say lastly, it is a shame that words are never enough. I am a writer, I love the magic words can do mana even words dị very limited in the face of the magnitude of the things some of us nwe ike ị feelu. I feel more than I can ever put in words and it hurts. But ironically, one thing that soothes this hurt is also the fact that I can feel.

So yes, I am a year na nine days older, and I am getting comfortable in my own numbness.